i know i shouldnt be feeling or thinking this way. but sometimes i wonder why do i have such a family? why such problems? why such dad? why such mum? why such sis? why me??????? i'm so tired to even listening to mum's rants now..... its the same every day - every year - every time.. so what now? am i not supposed to get married happily? why am i a woman? i should be a guy.. because guy will not so emotional, and guy brings new family home but woman leaves her family and start a new one, investing everything including her life to this new family and if things doesn't work out well, she loses every single thing in life. Why must i be in such situation? as much as i wanted to settle down, i can't bear to leave mum, i can't bear the thinking that she will be alone, she will go back.. alone. after all these years, she is the only one bringing me and sis up. The thought of this just make me unhappy, just make me sad, just make me depressed.. i've always been thinking of what do i want in life? thinkings just make me regret that why am i not a guy.. if i am, perhaps everything will just change. Im sandwiched in between.. i have to be the middle person everytime, talk to dad.. den mum ask, i reply, den mum ask again.. she is always so suspicious and scared that dad will "poison" me with his side of story and that i will leave him, will not support her anymore, and she will start ranting her stories again and again, im the only one listening to her coz sis is married and where is she? with husband.. she cares? she only uses her temper to solve problems, she is forever subjective. As much as im angry with dad, he is still my dad. I really dun feel like taking sides... i only want to be their good daughter. Im really so fed up and tired of all these...i got nobody to talk to. even talking to hunnie doesn't help becoz he doesn't understand my situation, he is not a party to this, he doesn't know what i've been going through. i do wish to be with him, but im still scared. i scared i will also, lose everything in the end. who can understand the feeling? since i'm just a primary school kid.. while other kids are tinking of eating reunion dinner with their family, i'm just trying to be happy every new year's eve.. it's been 10 years we have not had reunion dinner together as a family- just 4 of us. time flies and will not return.